i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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