I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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