I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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