this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
