Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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