sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
