I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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