I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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