I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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