my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
In other news, I just burned my penis
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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