she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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