My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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