why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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