saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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