as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize