I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
