Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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