When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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