Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
