So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
