I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My vagina just clenched in fear
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
