i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Found the puke drawer
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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