blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
