Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
