already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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