He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We just shotgunned beers for America
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize
