Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
