why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
