Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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