What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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