He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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