I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
