why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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