turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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