Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Randomize
