This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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