remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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