She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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