he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I am midnight drunk by noon
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
