Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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