I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize