good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
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