I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
