And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
