did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
