Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
