I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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