My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
