Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
