You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
