You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
