Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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