Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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