Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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