I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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