if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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