need another drink. this is the easiest way
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I party with great urgency now.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
