4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
