I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The police scanner is talking about you again....
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
