shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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