you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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