HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We need a shit load of segways right now
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
