I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
