just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
